Casual Dating

Recently, a friend of mine on Facebook asked me to watch a movie/documentary called The Diary of a Tired Black Man, which appeared to be a response to Tyler Perry's movie/play The Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I became more and more upset at this production, not because of the story of the movie, but because of the idea that it presupposes. While watching this movie and observing the events of my life as well as countless others around me, I've come to the conclusion that there are few things in American life as dysfunctional as the dating world. This dysfunction is seen in a variety of different ways in casual dating, but three will suffice: immaturity, selfishness, and lovelessness.

The immaturity that we observe in the dating world is simply a symptom of the immaturity with people in general. Here, in our culture, we have developed an institution that attempts to mask an individual's personal problems.We escape from personal introspection and examination, as we attempt to surround our lives with anything that will cause us to avoid the obvious truth about ourselves. In particular, we run to entertainment to dull ourselves from these things. For many people, dating is nothing more than a means to remove our boredom for the day. Some people even go on dates because they are hungry and feel like getting a free meal from others (after all, if a man offers to pay for a meal, why should I object to it?). Because of the mentality entering into dating, there is no real intention to develop any meaningful friendship with a person. There is no real intention to learn about the uniqueness or essence of a person, but it's simply a means to satisfy our own desires. This is the same mentality that a child takes into their human interactions so is it any real surprise that the overwhelming majority of the interactions that we have with others are superficial and temporary?

However, since many people believe that this is primary way that romantic relationships occur, they continue to play the same game without realizing that they are sowing the seeds to their own destruction. Developing maturity is a process that takes years to develop; just as much as we cannot expect a boy to transform into a man overnight, maturity cannot be developed instantly. This also means that if we avoid the maturation process by choosing to remain comfortable in our immaturity, then we will stunt our own growth.What happens if a person never learns how to develop mature relationships because they chose to accept the counterfeit, shallow, and casual relationship exhibited around them? My concern is that many have reached this point already, but my question is when does a person put away childish things? In our culture, we have too many children dating other children.

I perceive that we have reached this point due to the blatant selfishness and lovelessness exhibited in many relationships. Our natural inclination as fundamentally depraved beings is to seek our own interest and to only consider another person's interest if our self-interests collide. This selfishness breeds a number of other problems. A selfish person will become angry at a person and create strife for not satisfying their needs. A selfish person will not exercise patience with another person nor overlook minor irritations and faults because their life is completely consumed with themselves. However, the most unfortunate aspect of this is the lack of love in relationships. Our culture treats people as expendable since it is too inconvenient or too uncomfortable for us to walk with a difficult person. Essentially, we have taken a precious thing in the site of God and debased its value. God never intended for any of us to treat our brothers or sisters lightly (since He doesn't take our lives lightly), but He placed others in our lives to serve them. If God placed a person along our path, we are supposed to be stewards and treat them as precious. However, in the mode of dating these days, after 3-4 dates, if we are bored with a person, we have no intention to deal with them again, unless we need something from them. This is the epitome of a loveless and selfish heart (see Philippians 2:3-4).

Within serious committed relationships, we see the same trends because the behavior that we practice becomes the character we develop. If we have developed a habit of having temporary relationships through casual dating, then we cannot expect to have a long-lasting committed relationship. However, most importantly, how can a person expect to develop a strong romantic and intimate relationship if they cannot develop a strong and intimate friendship? For a culture that carries the banner of freedom and liberation, it's amazing how many people are still in bondage because of their fear of rejection and intimacy. Could it be that casual dating and casual friendships are a defensive mechanism for these fears? Could it be that people are so afraid of being heartbroken that they run to everything that is temporary and shallow? Perhaps this is why many people accept sexual and sensual relationships, rather than pursuing true love from a pure heart and true intimacy. After all, for some, it's much easier to lay down with a stranger than to open your heart to a friend since you find your self-worth in a person or because the rejection in your heart has never healed.

To all of these issues, I say do not be conformed to this world and its system. Do not be foolish enough to believe that you can develop a godly relationship with anyone while using the same mentality of this world. Do not believe that you can have any a genuine relationship with anyone while accepting the shallow and temporary relationships that this world gives. As mentioned before, genuine relationships take time to develop and the time of development is filled with various obstacles and various trials, but if you have found them, be careful to guard them with all diligence. Take time to nurture them fully because this world gives us many distractions so that we neglect the most precious things for the insignificant. To those who are remain captive to fear of rejection and intimacy, know that perfect love removes all fear. The love of God and the grace of God are abundant and are strong enough to heal any wound, no matter how deep. Pursue His grace and meditate on His love and with faith believe that He is more than able and willing to see you restored. I will leave you with these verses:

For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world- our faith...And this is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know tha twe have the requests which we have asked Him. 1 John 5:4,14-15

Fellowship with Believers

Recently, there has been an ongoing debate among some individuals in my church concerning the definition of fellowship and whether or not fellowship involves something deeper than simply hanging out with Christian friends so I figure this will be a good time to address this. Starting from 1 John 1, we read:

"What was from the beginning, what we have heard, what we have seen with our eyes, what we beheld and our hands handled, concerning the Word of Life- and the life was manifested, and we have seen and bear witness and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was manifested to us- what we have seen and heard we proclaim to you, that you also may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ."

This passage gives a great working definition of how Christian fellowship ought to develop. According to this passage, the basis by which Christians fellowship is ultimately founded upon each person's relationship with Christ. What each believer experiences with God on an individual basis draws and connects other believers to them. Moreover, the degree by which we walk in the light of Christ determines how deep our fellowship will be with each other (1 John 1:7).

This passage also implies that fellowship with other believers is difficult to find because it requires a dynamic, growing relationship with the Lord- something that cannot be manufactured by simply spending time with Christians. Even though fellowship is rare to find, it is absolutely necessary for every believer to pursue fellowship with likeminded believers because this keeps us from being deceived (2 Tim. 2:22). Although there are periods of time where God will pull us away from others in order to further His work in our lives, it is a great deception to believe that sanctification is possible without fellowship with believers. Proverbs 18:1 states that the person that separates himself seeks his own desire and quarrels against all sound wisdom. Although many serious believers will testify that walking with the Lord requires the ability to be comfortable walking alone, God will never allow a believer to spend all of his days walking by himself. Elijah experience a similar situation in 1 Kings 19. After performing miracles by the hand of God, he reached a moment of weakness when he fled from Jezebel into Horeb. In 1 Kings 19:14 he states:

"I have been very zealous for the Lord, the God of hosts; for the sons of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars, and killed Your prophets. I alone am left; and they seek my life to take it away."

However, God declares to Elijah in verse 17,

"Yet I will leave 7000 in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal and every mouth that has not kissed him."

Knowing that the life of a prophet is impossible to walk alone, God told Elijah that he is not alone in his zealousness for God. In another words, for every David, there will always be a Johnathan; in every sincere believer's walk, God has always drawn believers together in order that there may be mutual edification.

In order to develop fellowship with one another, the love of God must be abundantly present in our lives. Unless the love of God is the foundation, then the blessing that God gives us through fellowship will be perverted into manipulation. Just as much as fellowship with our Father requires honesty and transparency, fellowship with other believers require the same. Too often, many believers cannot develop intimacy with one other because they will not be transparent with their brother. It is a sad state of affairs that believers are so enslaved to fear of rejection that they cannot open their hearts to one another. This bondage is so deep at times that believers are more willing to open their hearts to unbelievers than their own brothers and sisters in the Lord! This is a tragedy and it can only change if one person values the needs of his brother more than the potential rejection that he may face. As mentioned before, if fellowship among believers are to grow, it is dependent upon each believer's personal relationship with the Lord. Fellowship comes to an abrupt stop whenever believers stop growing deep in fellowship with the Lord.

In my opinion, in America the biggest hindrance to fellowship is our culture. Virtually every interaction that is encouraged by American society, generally speaking, leads to shallow relationships. Because of the lack of patience and attention span of many Americans, many people will not take the necessary time to develop deep relationships, but they will accept the counterfeit shallow relationships that are easier to develop. Unfortunately, because many American believers cannot differentiate between these two, the American Church has accepted the counterfeit over the blessing the God gives. This fact is seen by observing what the majority of Christians do together when they are around each other. Much like the world, if one takes a cursory examination of things, much of the activities that surround Christian activities appeals more to the soulish elements of a person than the spiritual development of a person. A lot of the activities involve things that entertain us, such as television, movies, games, and etc. These activities are perfectly fine if a person is a new believer, but doesn't the heart long for something deeper than these things? These things are not intrinsically wrong and in some cases, they may stimulate fellowship among believers, but there are times that good things are the enemy of God's best. At the end of the day, a person becomes what they choose and fellowship works in the same way. In order to develop great fellowship with believers and with our Father, individuals must choose the best options over the range of good options presented to them. Godly fellowship takes much time and sacrifice and many believers will testify that this sacrifice pays off greatly in the future.

Another indicator of our society's influences on the Church is by observing the conversations that Christians engage in. As Christians, we are exhorted to avoid idle and empty talk (2 Timothy 2:16); however, if we observe the topics that our conversations gravitate towards, we will notice where our true affections lie. Because the mouth speaks the abundance of the heart (Luke 6:45), if our conversations gravitate towards idleness and emptiness, it is not surprising that this results in shallow fellowship. In my own personal experience, I have discovered that there are believers who I have known for several years who I cannot have fellowship with at all because it's a struggle to edify one another in conversation; at the same time, there are people who I have met once and fellowship between one another was simply glorious. We could sit for hours, encouraging each other, building each other up, correcting each other, praying for each other, and loving each other. Fellowship is a glorious gift from God; as such, it is important that we seek godly fellowship with other believers and don't accept the counterfeit.