My Personal Journey

For the past 3 or 4 weeks, I have been attending a new church that spends a lot of time emphasizing fellowship and discipleship among the members, which has been a much needed change in my life. On this Sunday in particular, a verse of scripture was brought to my remembrance from 2 Corinthians:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort... or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort. 2 Cor 1:3-6

This passage came to my mind as I began to ask God what has been the purpose for my seemingly circuitous route in my Christian development. I wondered why I've never had a pastor who I could trust or a body of believers to fellowship with who did not have questionable motives. It was this passage that came to my mind several times in the past and it came to my mind today as I was recollecting the events of my life. As I have gotten more and more revelation and light about my life, there are two things that stand out for me: the absolute sovereignty of God in my affairs and the unsearchable, inscrutable ways and wisdom of God in His dealings with me. As I meditated on this, I began to realize that there is nothing that can happen to me that is out of God's control and furthermore, God does His work in such a way that it will be a testimony for another believer and give Him glory. Therefore, instead of questioning God's methods (which is a form of pride), I've decided to rejoice in these things, knowing that He is absolutely in control and that He absolutely loves me. For this reason, every event of my life has a greater purpose than just teaching myself a lesson; these testimonies encourage and exhort others that God has drawn to me. So in this blog, I wanted to describe a portion of my personal journey in hopes that it will be an encouragement and comfort to someone.

As I look at my childhood as an adult, there are two words that come to my mind: grace and protection. Both grace and divine protection define my childhood very well. Like many African-Americans, I was raised in a Christian home and as a whole, my extended family were devout Christians because my maternal grandfather was a minister of the gospel. He was a man who was very respected in his community and his life was a witness to the rest of my family to live for God. However, at the same time, as a young child, we lived in Brooklyn, NY during a time where there was much crime and drug abuse that otherwise would have a strong impact on a child. Even though my mother and father were divorced, they both agreed on raising their children so I had the privilege of having the impact of a mother and father in my life to counteract the influences of the environment around me. I see this as the grace of God because so many Americans grow up in a home where either the mother and father left the home or their parents had an abusive, loveless relationship with each other. Despite how badly any family situation appears, God is still absolutely sovereign and presented you with a situation that He knew that you can handle. For many individuals who feel like an orphan due to how their parents treated them (or neglected them), God declares to them that He is their Father and that the family of God is your true family. There is no person on this earth that can compete with the goodness of our God; He doesn't just save a person from their sins and give them eternal life... He embraces you with a love strong enough to heal the most shattered hearts and treats you as His most beloved possession.

As I grew older, my family moved to the metro Atlanta area and it was during this time that I became a cold, indifferent adolescent. Because of the way that my peers were treating me at the time, my anger progressed to a point where I became indifferent (Contrary to popular belief, the opposite of love is not hate, but it's indifference... this is why God prefers a person to be totally for Him or totally against Him). I felt like an outcast as soon as I moved to the South and because I was ostracized from my peers, I decided to shut down completely and become an introvert. During this time, my anger towards men shifted towards an anger towards God because I felt that He should work according to my wishes. I made the most drastic turn when I turned 12 and I renounced God completely by becoming an atheist. I felt like many people do today... God was a superstition and all of the Christians I know (including my family) were worshipping superstitions. I began to laugh at Christians derisively and it came to a point where I proactively attempted to cause others teens to denounce God. I tried to use logic to show them how their view of God was a contradiction. Also, seeing the hypocrisy and lack of power over sin among church members gave me more ammunition on attacking the fundamental premise of God, particularly in Christianity. At the time, I thought I had found enlightment, but I was a desperately wicked man and an instrument of satan. As much as I tried to assert my own will, I soon learned that God was absolutely sovereign over my affairs and He can humble any person in a second.

By the time I turned 15, I had developed a reputation as being a cold and heartless individual and very few people would talk to me. However, one of the students in my class was a legitimate born again believer who was born of the Spirit and to this day, I do not know why she decided to spend time with me, apart from the fact that God sent her to me. She was a spirit-filled lady who had words of knowledge over my life about intimate things that I never disclosed to anyone. When this started to happen, I was in disbelief because she is actually demonstrating some validity to the scriptures. This would mean that I would have to renounce my former beliefs and accept that God exists. Because I was unwilling to do this, I decided to become prideful and to ignore what I have heard. It was at this time that I began to realize the omnipotence and absolute sovereignty of God. As I began to ignore this young woman more and to become more prideful, I began to deal with long stints of depression that only grew worse and worse each day. This depression got to the point where I seriously contemplated committing suicide on several occasions and once again, this young woman would have words of knowledge about this situation. After dealing with depression, fear and anxiety began to grip me and I was left with one conclusion: God is listening. For all of you that happens to read this, God is listening and watching. Nothing escapes His sight or His ear. Psalm 139 says quite eloquently: He knows your thoughts from afar and is intimately knows all of your ways. Even before a word can leave your tongue, He knows it. There is no where you can go to run from God; running away from Him is like running on a hamster wheel... it's only a matter of time before you realize that you are running towards inevitability. The question is are you going to submit to Him as conviction has hit your heart willingly or will you bow to Him by force as He breaks you after this transient life ends?

Shortly after these things happened, my brother invited me to a church and I decided to go (I kept my attitude towards God secret from my family) and as soon as I came into the place, strong conviction hit my soul. I began to see how God orchestrated the various events of my life piece by piece; when I was diagnosed as being mentally challenged by several doctors, He had mercy on me and healed me; when I stole video games from a store, His mercy kept me; He protected me from 2 near-death experiences and at this moment, He said "I have led you and protected you this far. Come to me and repent." At this point, I could no longer hide from God; His grace is so incredible. How could a God this holy accept a person like me who laughed derisively at Him and caused His children to stumbled? It was at this time that the preacher began to preach about heaven and how grace has enabled us to "enter the joy of the master". I gave my life to Christ completely at the point and never turned around since then. As I've reminisced on this recently, I couldn't help but to relate to the apostle Paul. According to Paul, he was admittedly a blasphemor, a persecutor, and violent aggressor, but he makes such a profound statement in 1 Timothy:

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthen me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service; even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor. And yet I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus. It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. And yet for this reason I found mercy, in order that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience, as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life. 1 Timothy 1:12-16

Today, hearing these words come from the apostle Paul completely humbles me because I can relate it. I spent so many years blaspheming Christ and persecuting Christians just for fun. I spent so many years as a teenager denying God's existence and at other times, becoming quite angry with Him. Yet mercy found me because He loved me. He didn't save me just for myself, but He saved me so that this testimony would demonstrate the awesome character of God. God doesn't just have patiences with us; His patience is perfect. While He is being patience, He is not frustrated with us and lash out in anger, but His patience coupled with wisdom makes everything that He does purposeful and deliberate. This is the type of salvation and deliverance that makes a person celebrate and praise as Paul did as he began to meditate on His wisdom:

Now to the King, eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. 1 Timothy 1:17

Everytime that I sit down to reminisce about the first part of my journey, I find myself praising God for it. His purposes will be established forever and ever; the plans of His heart has stood from eternity past and will continue to stand as eternity goes forward. With a God so glorious and with a salvation that is so precious to me, I ask myself what is the conclusion of the matter? Paul describes the solution in Colossians:

As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude. Colossians 2:6-7

In the same gratitude, passion, and desperation that I received Christ, I should walk in Him. Reminiscing about my personal journey always serves as a personal check to me to see if my passion for Christ has wavered over time. I must always ask myself whether or not I have forgotten the purification from my former sins; have I forgotten how much God has delivered me from my past? Have I lost the simplicity of devotion to Christ that I had when I initially came to Him or have the cares and desires of this present world choked out the life of God in me. I would urge every person who has experienced redemption to remember how they came to Him and ask themselves the same question. If we live our Christian lives in the same manner by which we initially received Him, we would experience the victory that scripture promises us. However, a believer who forgets these things will soon discover that their passion for Christ has greatly gone and perhaps one day, they will find themselves useless and unfruitful for Christ's purposes.